Crash
by CeilingFanCumberbatch
Summary: My First Story! I hope you like it! Olivia Benson has a deep dark and painful secret. She won't tell anyone, not even her own partner. Will she get the help she needs, or is she going to suscumb into a dark cruel world?
1. Chapter 1

**Crash**

By Jessica J.

Chapter 1: Haunted

"Olivia?"

I look up and stare at Dr. McPhee.

"Can you tell me why you're here?" she asks, a small smile on her face.

I look back down. I keep my mouth shut. I don't want to talk. Heck, I don't want to even be here.

"Your Captain seemed worried about you. He wanted me to talk to you. Why do you think he wanted you to come to me?" Dr. McPhee asks, her smile gone.

I know why I'm here. Because I'm screwed up. Weak, Useless, Vulnerable, Dumb. The list can go on for hours.

"Look Olivia, I can't help you if you don't talk," she says with a serious tone of voice.

"I don't want to talk," I say in a low voice, hoping that she'll shut up. She smiles a little, but then gets serious again.

"Why is that?"

I'm silent again. I don't want to talk, so I won't talk. No one can make me. Not even this dickhead doctor.

"Olivia, why don't you want to talk?" she pushes on.

"It's too painful," I whisper, feeling tears in my eyes. Dr. McPhee pushes a box of tissues towards me, but I ignore it.

"It'll make you feel better if you talk about it," she says, that small smile still on her face.

I go back to being silent. It won't make me feel better, it will make me have the nightmares again, the flashbacks in the daytime. If I stay silent, I can just forget about it. Forget everything that's happened to me.

"Olivia..." she starts, but suddenly my mind clouds over. Oh no, not again. Not here, not now.

_"HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!" _

_"Shut up!" _he _says. "No one can hear you," It was dark, so dark. He was on top of me, trying to rape me. _

_"AHHHHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEASE HELP ME!" I screamed, but know one heard me. _

"Olivia! Olivia!" Dr. McPhee cries, frantically.

"HELP ME!" I wail, lying on the ground. Crying like a baby.

"Olivia, it's okay! You're safe, you're okay!" Dr. McPhee assures me. I calm down a little, but I'm still shaking.

"What happened?" she asks softly. Her face worried.

"Trapped...couldn't get out...no air..." I gasp. Dr. McPhee grabs her clipboard and a pen and writes something down on it.

"Where were you trapped?" she then asks.

"B-Basement..." I ground out, before dissolving into tears again. I didn't want to remember it, but now it's back. Haunting me.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Alone

The meeting ended shortly after my freak-out episode. Dr. McPhee said that she wanted to see me three times a week now. Great! I was perfectly fine with one day a week, but now three! I take it as it is and leave the office. I walk to my car and get in. If I could, I would drive over to the 16th precinct right now and bury myself in paperwork, but the Captain said that I need to take a break from working because, 'I'm not suitable to be a detective at this moment'. Well what am I supposed to do to pay my bills? I sigh, start the car and drive home in silence. When I do get home, I suddenly get the feeling that I don't want to go inside. I'm just going to expect silence as usual. Nobody to greet me, nobody to greet back. Suddenly my phone buzzes from my pants pocket. I pull it out and check the message. It was from Jenna.

Jenna Raymond just recently came to 'work' at 16th precinct, three months ago. She is only 14 years old though. From what I know, Jenna took the police entrance exam when she was seven and she passed the whole thing. The state of New York didn't want her to be a police officer at her young age, so instead they gave her the chance that when she becomes an old enough age, she can become a police officer without any exam. The state also allowed her to work at different police precincts for a year each. She has worked with Homicide, Narcotics, etc, etc, and three months ago, Cragen begged Tucker to let her work at SVU for a awhile. Tucker agreed and that's how Jenna came into the picture. Jenna is extraordinary smart, and she is very useful at many cases, but she is also a little bitch. She loves to torment me as much as she can, and if I tell Cragen what she is doing, she goes crying to him saying that _I_ am being horrible to her! I tell you, Jenna has Cragen wrapped around her little finger.

**'****Hey Detective Benson. How are you feeling?****'** Jenna's message says. Another thing about Jenna; she doesn't call me or the rest of team by our first names, like we asked her too. She calls us Detective and our last names. It's really annoying because I'd rather be called Olivia by her.

**'Peachy. How's the team without me?' **I text back.

**'They won't stop talking about you. Detective Stabler is the most worried. Detective Munch hasn't said any of his lame conspiracy theories like he always does, and Detective Tutuola...he is just really quiet today. Me, I'm a little worried myself. Your meltdown two days ago kind of scared everyone.'**

I groan after reading the text. I didn't have a meltdown! Well...I guess I did. I was snapping at Jenna to stop being a bitch, when one of those flashbacks came over me and next thing I know, I'm on the floor screaming. Elliot _freaked_ out. He kept yelling 'Get a bus!' and 'Liv calm down!'. Finally when I did calm down, everyone was just to shocked to talk or do anything. I was so mortified. Finally Cragen told everyone to get back to work and took me into his office. That's when he said that I need help and sent me to Dr. McPhee.

**'Don't worry. I'm okay. Just had a moment, that's all' **

**'Detective Benson, that wasn't a moment. That was something more that that. When you were screaming on the ground, you said 'Don't hurt me!'. I don't want to seem nosy, but...what happened to you that is causing 'this'?'**

I sigh. I don't know if I should tell her. Number one, she is just a kid. Number two...its too painful to even remember.

**'I don't want to talk about it' **

**'Ok...I may be a bitch to you...but when it comes to things that are important, I am very serious about it. I keep secrets. Got to go, hope to see you back at the precinct soon. Bye.'**

I slip my phone back into my pants pocket and get out of the car. At some point I was going to have to go inside the empty apartment. I walk into the building and up a flight of stairs to my apartment. I unlock the door and walk inside. It seemed gray and dead.

"I'm home," I call out to no one. No husband, not even a boyfriend. No children, no pets, no family. No one. No one.

I shut the door behind me and drop my stuff on the ground. I walk around, everything just seems like blah. Everything is nothing. I hate being alone. I then walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. People have told me, especially Elliot, that I am attractive. If I'm so attractive, then why do I feel so ugly! If I'm so attractive, then why don't I have guys dating me? Nobody loves me. Tears that were threatening to fall, just came down like a waterfall. Why? Why was I blessed with the burden of being a child of rape? Why did I have a mother, who never loved me like a mother should? Why am I me? I can't bear to look into the mirror anymore.

I walk out of the bathroom, and into the kitchen. There is an Exacto Blade right on the counter. It's pointy top was gleaming, tempting me. I roll up the right sleeve of my shirt and grab the Blade. A shiver of fear goes down my back. My mind is telling me to do it, but my gut is telling me I shouldn't. I usually follow my gut, but today I follow my mind. I put the blade against my wrist, put slight pressure on the blade, and slowly pull it across my skin. I watched the blood drip down my wrist and on my hand. I feel a little better. It made me feel like I'm in control. I wipe up the blood with a paper towel and made sure there was no other blood anywhere. I trudge to my room and collaspe on my bed. I suddenly feel so tired. Like I can sleep for weeks. I hold my cut wrist to my chest and doze off into a deep, pained sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Elliot

I wake up to find out that I had slept into tomorrow. I look at my wrist. The cut looks horrible and ugly. It's going to leave a scar, I know it. Yesterday's memories came flooding in. Dr. McPhee, Jenna texting me, me cutting myself. I groan and pull the blankets over my head. I do NOT want to get up. I just want to stay in bed and sleep. Suddenly a flashback comes into my mind.

_'Why...why are doing this?' I whisper to _him_ looking down on me._

_'Because I never got what I wanted. Your police colleague was able to save you last time, but this time...no one saves you,' _he_ says menacingly, smiling._

_'HELP!" I scream._

_'Will you shut up already!' _he _screams, backhanding me. 'No one is going to save you. You're all alone Kat...or should I say, Olivia?'_

I find myself sobbing after the flashback ends. I shouldn't have followed him into the basement the first time and I should have tried to escape the second time. Weak, Vulnerable, Useless, Dumb...

I pull myself out of bed and try to shake the words out of my head, but they don't leave.

_'You're a horrible person Olivia. You are a horrible cop, horrible everything! Why are you even alive?'_ I say to myself. Why am I alive? Why am I even here? If only Alex was here...she'd understand. Suddenly my phone buzzes. I never took it out of my pocket the day before. I pull it out and saw a text from Elliot

**'Hey Liv. Is everything okay?'** The text says.

**'Yeah'** I text back simply.

**'Everyone is worried about you. I'm worried about you.'**

I groan. I already know that they are worried about me, you don't have to bring it up again.

**'I'm fine El'**

**'Please Liv. Tell me what's wrong. You know you can tell me anything' **

I know...but I can't. Before I can text back, Elliot calls me. I answer and mutter a hello.

"Liv, something's up. I know it," he says with worry in his voice.

"Nothing is up!" I snap at him, my voice cracking.

"Have you been crying?" he asks, his voice soft. I don't answer.

"Liv..." he starts, but I cut him off.

"You know El, just...just...leave me alone," and with that I hang up. I whip my phone against the wall and watch it shatter and land on the floor. I then walk out of my room and find the Exacto Blade still on the counter in the kitchen. I grab it and walk into the bathroom. I do the same thing I did yesterday, only I cut my left arm. I watch the blood drip down my arm, not bothering to clean it up. It drips onto the white rug and leaves a tiny drop of red on it. The pain dissapears and I smile, realizing I haven't smiled in the longest time. Suddenly I hear knocking on my door.

"Crap!" I mutter as I grab a towel and stop the blood flow from my arm. I quickly walk to the door and peer into the look-in hole. Shit! It's Elliot. How did he get here so fast, heck why is he here? I open the door and say,

"What are you doing here?"

"What's with the towel on your arm?" he asks, looking suspiciously at it.

"I banged my arm on the counter," I lie. Hoping he believes me.

"Liv..." he starts, but I cut him off.

"Elliot please! I want to be alone!" I say trying to close the door, but he sticks his foot into the door, stopping it.

"No Liv. I want you to tell me why you freaked out at the precinct a few days ago," he says firmly.

"I had a moment! It's nothing!" I cry.

"It's not nothing! Liv something is wrong and I need to know!" he says, sounding upset.

"You should just mind your own buisness!" I snap. "Please just leave!"

He sadly moves his foot and I shut the door. I walked back into the bathroom and check the cut. The bleeding had stopped. I drop the towel to the floor, and just look at myself in the mirror. I want to tell someone, but no one would understand. Nobody understands me. I'm all alone, in a messed up nothing world. Alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Anything

"Dr. McPhee?"I ask the lady at the receptionist office.

"Yes. She's running a little late today with clients. Please wait in the waiting room, and she'll be out as soon as possible," I take a magazine that she had offered me and went over to the waiting room. 2 chairs; so big they can swollow you whole, and a couch. There were three people there, almost every spot filled. There was an older gentlemen, going bald. He was reading a magizine, wearing a trench coat and holding a suitcase on his lap. A dark deminer on his face, unoticed and unwanted. The other was talknig to himself, rocking back and forth, so I sat next to the last person; someone who I knew...and someone I didn't neccesrily want to know.

"Liv?" she asks. I was kind of hoping she wouldn't notice me. She's Jenna's best friend. She helps her at the precinct sometimes; like a little secretary. She's only a year older the Jenna, 15.

She's beautiful. Blonde long hair, clear complextion. It's such a shame that she uses her looks for the wrong reasons. The wrong ways. She is the person I know that is close to perfection...so why is she here?

"Hi..." I respond.

"What are you doing here?" She asks worried. She turns and faces me. I take note that she has a broken arm, casted and everything. There are signitures everywhere; mostly guys, and in big print: Jenna Raymond.

"What happened to your arm?" I ask.

She goes to speak, but backs out. After a few silent seconds,

"I fell down the stairs." There is another silence in the room. We both know it wasn't the truth, but now is not the time to talk about truth. Lies protect us. Lies. 'I'm fine, I'm ok'. Lies.

"Are you here for Globstob?" She asks.

"McPhee,"

"Oh...Dr. McPhee's nice. I was seeing her for a period of time, but I switched to Globstob because he's cheaper. I'm paying for it with my own money..." She says. I go to ask her why, but she replies my unanswered question.

"My dad doesn't know I'm here...please, don't tell him," She says, as if in fear of me. I feel as if I should...As an adult I feel as if it's my duty, but she looked at me with pleading eyes...and I know that I couldn't.

"I won't,"

"Thank you, Liv," There is another silence in the room.

"Why are you here? Jenna told me that something was up... but not what. You can tell me, you know that right?" I don't answer, not because I dont want to...but I can't bring myself to move my lips and form words. I just can't.

"I'm here...because I'm dealing with abandonment issues...I broke up with Jack. You don't know him...but he tried to touch me. He should have known better. I mean...its not like its the first time. People just don't see you as a person when you don't see yourself as one. For some reason...he just broke me. Jenna's making me come here. She says that it's for the best..." I want to tell her something...but I still find a loss for words.

"It's hard to talk about it..." She begins to tear a little. Oh crap. "It hurts, and most times when I'm in the room with Dr. Globstob...I open my mouth to release silence in the place of words, and I choke on them, and I go into flashbacks of misery and pain, but I know that if I don't get these words out..I'll sufficate on them. You're not alone Liv...you can tell me anything, and I want to do the same. Anything,"

I hugged her. It was the feeling of the flashbacks, but I held onto her as if it was for dear life. I stayed away from the flaskbacks, and I held onto Lolah, and she took away the pain, even if it was for only a second, she removed my pain from my soul.

"Lolah?" I hear.

I release her from her hug and she goes towards the doctor. She gives me a reasuring look of hope, before closing the door and folowing her therapist into the blackened room.

So here I am again, alone.

"_You can tell me anything..._"

No...I can't.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone! Sorry for not posting in a long time. Was super busy with other stories, contests, and school. Oh what am i saying! I had a horrible case of writer's block. I know this chapter is short, but Hayley and I were busy, so this is what we have right now. (I know, its short) But school ended for me yesterday. (Hayley gets out on the 28th) and i have commited myself to working on this story. Enjoy!**

Chapter 5: Slience

I've been going to Dr. McPhee for awhile...She isn't helping much. I've also been starting daily conversations with Lolah. Almost as if she was _my_ friend instead of Jenna's. She has been more of a therapist to me than anyone, and I to her. She's going through a lot. She doesn't know what happened...but she understands. So much is said in the silence...so much that is so powerful. I want to tell her, I need to tell her...but I can't.

She's too young to know...

I've been given medication. Lolah and I sometimes trade pills. To see through each others eyes. If Elliot knew...oh my God, if _anyone _at the precinct knew...I would be out of a job. Period...but, when I swallow the capsules, when I cut, when I bleed, when I cry...I'm better. She gets it. Her arm is getting better, she's shown me some cuts. She doesn't even remember how she got most of them. I know the truth, although she won't tell me. She'd kill me if I told anyone the truth...but I feel it's for the best. Someone is hurting her, and I'm not going to sit by and watch when I can do something...but what can you say when your voice is silenced?

Nothing.

**A/N: Thanks for your reviews! And also, chapter 6 is going to be longer than this! Here is a preview:**

_"...But you're so...perfect!" I say shocked._

_"Define perfect. **Nobody's** perfect Detective Benson. Not even me,"_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Perfect

It has been a month since I started going to Dr. McPhee, and she has given the okay for me to go back to work. I still have to have sessions with her, but at least I can work again. I stood outside the precinct, nervous to go in. What if I embarrass myself in front of everyone? What if they saw my cuts? I made sure that they were hidden by the sleeves of my shirt. Finally I take a deep breath and pull open the doors of the 16th precinct.

Everything was going on like normal. Cops scurrying around, people getting interviewed. I felt at home instantly. I then saw Elliot, Fin, and John at their desks; talking. No sign of Jenna. Good. I didn't want to see her at the moment. Elliot then sees me and waves me over. I walk over to the group and they all stand up and greet me.

"You're back!"

"How are you holding up?"

"We missed you,"

I smile and talked a little bit. It felt good to talk to everyone again. I missed them a lot, but at least I'm back. Suddenly, John checks his watch and says,

"3:29. Get ready. 3...2...1!"

The precinct doors open and in arrives Jenna.

"Good afternoon everyone! The wonderful Jenna Raymond has arrived!" she annouces loudly.

Everyone rolls their eyes and keeps on working or doing whatever.

"It's 3:30 and I'm ready to work! What's the...Detective Benson?" she starts, but notices me. "Welcome back. It'll be great working with you again,"

"Um...thanks?" I answer.

"It's good that you're not going to be a mental case again," Jenna then says, almost curtly.

"JENNA!" Elliot cries.

I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. That hurt. I run into the bathroom and feel tears in my eyes. Was I a mental case? Was I a madwoman, crazy? Jenna has called me stuff since she started working here, but this one hurts more than anything she has said. I feel the urge to cut. To let everything out. I pull out the Exacto Blade from my pocket and raise the left sleeve of my shirt. I placed the blade on my arm and was about to pull it across when the bathroom door opens and Jenna walks in. I gasp and drop the blade on the ground. I pull my sleeve down, but it's too late. Jenna stares at me, eyes wide open.

"Oh...my...God!" she gasps.

"This isn't what you think!" I say quickly. My stomach tightens up, knowing that I have been caught.

"I _know_ what I saw. Detective...you cut? Don't even deny it, because I saw everything," she says, her face now worried.

"Leave me alone," I demand, turning away from her.

"I'm not leaving. Detective..." she starts, but I cut her off.

"Look Jenna, don't even talk to me. You're just going to say something mean, like you always do. I'm sick and tired of you being perfect and showing it off to all of us, so just...leave! NOW!"

"I'm...not...leaving," Jenna enunciates.

I sigh and look back at her. She looks at me, and says,

"Detective...show me your arms,"

I want to tell her no, but I feel defeated. She knows what I have been doing and now she'll most likely tell Elliot or Cragen and I'll be in more trouble. I let the tears that were in my eyes fall as I lift up my sleeves to reveal my cuts. Jenna looks sick for a moment, but I then see tears in her eyes.

"I-I just wanted to be perfect...like you," I whisper.

"Perfect? _Me_ perfect?" Jenna says with a small laugh. She then gets serious again as she lifts up the sleeves of her shirt to reveal cuts all over her arms. All were faded, but could be seen by anyone. I then gasp when I see that the cuts spell out, LIFE on one arm, SUCKS on the other.

"...But you're so...perfect!" I say shocked.

"Define perfect. **Nobody's** perfect Detective Benson. Not even me," she says. She then burst into tears. I pull her into my arms, and comfort her as best as I can. We both cry for awhile, but soon we calm down and Jenna begins talking again,

"I know how it feels. You want to let the demons out of you, so you cut and then you feel on top of the world, but then you feel like shit a moment later. You try to get that feeling back, so you keep on doing it and doing it until one day, you accidently hit a vein and die,"

That _is _how I feel when I cut. It's like a drug. Once you start, there is no going back.

"Why did you start cutting?" I blurt out. I wanted to know why. You look at her, and you see a typical teenager, not a cutter.

"You promise that you won't tell Cragen?" she asks, a hint of worry in her voice.

"Depends..."

"Detective, if you don't tell Cragen I have been cutting, I won't tell him about you," she says, in an honest voice. I don't usually take blackmail like that, but I don't want Cragen knowing...so I promised her.

"I'm actually an orphan Detective. My parents were murdered when I was three, and since then, I have been living in a group home. I have been put in multiple foster homes before, but they always sent me back. ACS didn't know what to do with me, so they just put me in the group home. I began cutting when I was eleven to try to numb out of pain, but when I was twelve, I accidently cut too deep. It was a good thing that someone found me and got me to the hospital, because if they hadn't, I would have died. I went to a phyciatrist and had therapy, and now I don't do it anymore," Jenna explains. She takes a shaky breath and adds, "What about you? Why did you start cutting?"

I can't tell her. She is just like Lolah. She's too young to know.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say in almost a whisper. Why did I sound so weak? Probably because I _am _weak.

"That's okay. It's hard to talk about it. Trust me. It took all of my guts to tell you my story,"

I was about to ask her why she acts like a bitch when Jenna's phone buzzes. She checks it and says to me,

"That was Elliot. He is starting to worry about us. We should head out before he comes in here,"

I nod and was about to grab the Exacto blade from the ground, when Jenna grabs it first.

"You promise that you'll get help for this problem?" she asks.

"I'm already getting help," I answer, holding out my hand for the blade.

"If I catch you cutting again, I'm going to tell Cragen. You have to stop cutting Detective,"

"I'm going to stop," I promise, but Jenna doesn't buy it.

"I'm serious Olivia,"

I stop. Did she call me Olivia? Wow, and I was actually getting used to her calling me Detective.

"You're going to stop, right?"

"Only if you stop acting like a bitch around us,"

Jenna snorts, but gets serious again.

"Deal," she says, handing me the blade. I slip it into my pocket and we leave the bathroom.

"You okay Liv?" Elliot asks when we get back to the group.

"I'm fine," I answer, smiling a little.

"Everything's going to be okay Elliot. I talked to Olivia and turns out, we have a lot in common," Jenna says to him.

"Did I just hear Jenna Raymond call Elliot, Elliot? It's a miracle!" John says.

"I know this is a little akward...but I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you guys. I hope we can start over and turn over a new leaf," she apologizes to everyone. She then says, "Hello everyone. My name is Jenna Raymond, and I'll be working with you for the year,"

For the first time since she came here, Jenna smiles. She always had this frown or a half smile, but today she actually smiles a real smile.


	7. Chapter 7

***Hello everyone! I finally updated Crash! YAYYYY! Sorry for the long wait. I have been mucho busy with acting and auditioning and writing other shit. I'M GOING TO BE ON SVU!

***Anyways, the "poetic shit" (quote by Hayley Michelle) that olivia says, is done by my amazing but crazy and wierd BFFL hayley michelle (not EOForeverTogether) She most recently got a fanfiction account! She is 'hmtkitty16' She hasn't posted anything yet, but still when she does, you will LOVE it. :)

***Kkz, well enjoy and REVIEW! :)

Chapter 7: What Happened

It has been a week since my last cut. It has been hard as hell, but after awhile you feel better and forget about it. I still take the sessions with Dr. McPhee and they have been easy. Until now…..

"Olivia, at our first session, you had said that you were trapped in a basement. We haven't talked about it since. Can you tell me about it now?" Dr. McPhee asked."Basements…do that have any meaning to you?" There is a pause, for I am unable to say the words. I want to; I really do. I feel that if I open my mouth and tell, a heavy weight will be shifted off of my shoulders, but I think if I do tell, the heavy weight will come off my shoulders and land on my foot."Was it your basement? A friends, perhaps?" , pauses before pushing down her glasses just enough to be stern, but kind in her tone to get her message across. "I can't help you if you can't tell me"

I sigh and decide that it is best to just tell her. I don't want to tell her, but…..it's time.

"Basement… a subdivision of a place with 4 walls. 4 walls can cave in, and hide you from the world. 4 walls can keep your secrets forever, and the colors of the walls; beige, green to tope, will taunt you with the unpleasant emotion that they know your secrets too well. These colored bodies of wood and wall paper, stand before a person and form a building. A home, in my case. But 4 walls, are strangers; strangers that will not cave in for me. Strangers that will know my secrets, but with the pity of their invisible hearts won't care. 4 walls. That is what a basement means to me. 4 walls of sorrow and despair and weakness. 4 walls of nothing but non-existent hope."

Dr. McPhee looked surprised. She tried to say something but nothing came out. She finally said,

"What happened to you Olivia?"

"what happened? What happened was that 4 walls were my only witnesses to the injustice of my soul. And they have no voice and no desire to stand up for had had happened to me.." I pause for a beat, just to breathe. "There was a man in my life. Not in a romantic way, but still a man. A man with 2 eyes; that deceive. A man with 2 arms; strong enough to hold a woman down. A man who had 2 hands, wide enough to cover screams that may escape. A man, who had more than a desire to hurt someone. Someone who had hurt him back in defense. And a man with nothing less of a stone where a soul should lay. What happened in that basement…was the satirical joke that the world had played on me to show me that I am not Olivia Benson. It was to show me that I am nothing short of weak and proud."

Dr. McPhee pauses for a minute. Her eyes then widen with shock. She then asks, calmly and slowly.

"Olivia…were you raped?"

"Yes," I whisper back.


	8. Chapter 8

***(Slowly slinks into the room) Is anyone here? Hopefully there is. I'm backkk! Sorry for the mega long wait. I have my excuses in _Time To Wake Up: The Nightmare Ends _

I know, not a new chapter. Just a chapter that has been changed. I have some time to explain something to all of my readers. Last night, I was reading Crash, and realized how amazingly good it is. By the time I reached the original Chapter 8, it changed drastically. That is when I realized that the White Slavery idea is not something I was thinking about in the first place. To make things quick, This is officially my story again. I don't want anyone partnering up with me in this. As much as I loved working with my bffl hayley with this, I don't want anyone helping me. Thank you for your services Hayley...I hope this doesn't burn a bridge between us.

So anyways, this story is going to posted when I have nothing for my A Mother's Worst Nightmare Series. Hopefully this story will bring you all back and reading. I am very sorry for the wait, I know how much many of you like it. So on with the story!

***Enjoy and REVIEW! (Ps: read A Mother's Worst Nightmare and its sequel The Nightmare Lives On. You won't be disapointed!)

* * *

><p>Chapter 8:<p>

"I'm telling you guys, it's the aliens!" John protests.

"And you are just a complete idiot!" Elliot answers "Aliens did not build the pyramids John. Everybody knows that Jesus Christ built them!"

"Now you're really wrong, the Jews built the pyramids!" I say.

"Jesus!"

"Jews!"

"Jesus"

"Jews!"

"Guys!" Fin interrupts. "Jesus was Jewish!"

"Oh my Frickin God! I can't take this anymore! They were built by the Pharaohs for God's sake!" Jenna cries.

"Well, maybe the pharaohs were aliens!" John suggested.

"Aliens aren't real John, now let's get back to work. We have a new case," Cragen says out of nowhere. "Something new this time,"

"Is it SVU related?" Jenna asks.

"Yes Jenna, all the cases here are SVU related," Cragan says rolling his eyes.

"Just making sure," Jenna smiles an innocent smile. Even though she has changed, she still has her bitchiness. Only it is less than before.

"Anyways, Ivan Camel. First arrested under Narcotics for cocaine possession. While in search of his house, police found two skeletons in floorboards...12 and 16 year old girls," Cragen explans, handing the case file to Elliot.

Jenna and I shudder. I always shudder at that stuff, but I have never seen Jenna shudder. She would always take it as it was nothing.

"Bastard," I say. I can't stand people like that."

" 'I killed them. I fucked their brains out and then watched them bleed to death.' " Elliot quotes. "He refuses to talk about anything else,"

"We can change that…" I say.

"Can I come?" Jenna says with eyes that hint to 'I-have-to-talk-to-you-about-something-important.' I nod my head as we head down to Narcotics investigation rooms.

***S*V*U***

"Why did you do it?" Jenna says, in a rough disgusted tone to Camel, handcuffed to the table. He looked up at her with sinister eyes, and snickered.

"You got some nice lady parts there…aren't you a little young to be a detective?" Camel smirked to Jenna.

"You do not make advances at a Detective" Elliot snarled angrily to man.

"I did it because the sex wasn't good. I bet you think you're on to something...don't you? Well you're not. There was...a brunette. 14 years old, small rack. A blonde. Oh she is a sight to see! A little rebellious one too. A good _fuck_ will do her just nice…." Camel says looking straight at me.

"That's it! Get this pig out of my sight!" Elliot calls. "You listen...and you listen good….You will pay for what you have done and you will rot in prison for what you have done to those girls and I'm going to stop this. It isn't over." Elliot says as two men come and take Camel away.

"By the way Detective Benson….NICE ASS!" The man says as he is dragged out of the interrogation room…but I barely hear it…

"Olivia? Liv?" Jenna asked, standing in the doorway. Her arm leaning up against the metal framee. "I need to talk to you about something,"

"Raymond…what's that on your wrist?" Cragan says. He must have been standing in the hallway…oh no. Please don't notice!


	9. Chapter 9

*****(Slowly slinks into the room) Is anyone here? Hopefully there is. I'm backkk! Sorry for the mega long wait. I have my excuses in _Time To Wake Up: The Nightmare Ends _**

**It is on the short side, but new chapters will be longer. Hopefully. **

**I know my bffl is gonna be VERY happy. :) I am happy myself that I finally got back to posting this story. **

**So anyways, Hopefully this story will bring you all back and reading. I am very sorry for the wait, I know how much many of you like it. So on with the story!**

**Enjoy and REVIEW! (Ps: read A Mother's Worst Nightmare and its sequel The Nightmare Lives On. You won't be disapointed!)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 9:<p>

"On my wrist? Oh Captain Cragen, I...was scratched by a cat. Evil black cat," Jenna lies, covering her arms. I feel myself sweat with fear. Please no!

"Oh really?" Cragen walks over to Jenna and whips the sleeves of her shirt up. Revealing her cuts. It's all over. She has been caught.

"Those were not caused by a cat, Jenna Raymond,"

"Captain, I can explain!"

"You don't need to,"

"Captain, I don't cut. Not anymore! These are old..." Jenna tries to explain anyway. She looked petrified. Like Captain was going to hit her or something.

"Old or not, this is really serious. When I asked Tucker to let you work on SVU, we both knew that there were risks. You're 14 years old Jenna, not 40-something, 50-something year olds like the rest of the detectives,"

"Captain, I haven't cut since I was 12 years old!" Jenna cries. I walk over and try to defend her in the best way possible.

"Cap, she hasn't cut in 2 years. Leave her be," I say calmly.

"Olivia, stay out of this," he says. I feel Elliot's hand touch my arm. I shake it off.

"No! She doesn't need to be yelled at! She is perfectly stable at the precinct..."

"Liv, weeks ago you said that Jenna shouldn't be here and now you are standing up for her? Liv, cutting is very serious, and it's a sign to me that someone is not stable here in SVU," Cragen says, turning back to Jenna.

"I'm fine! I'm not cutting! I can solve a case!" Jenna screams.

"That's ENOUGH!" Cragen yells, slamming his hand against the wall. Jenna backs into me. I can feel her shaking. The poor girl is scared out of her wits. "Jenna, I can not have a _'child'_ in my precinct who mutilates her arms, just for some stupid decoration purpose," Cragen continues, empasizing on child.

I can't believe what I just heard. Even Elliot looks shocked. I look down at my own arms. I am wearing a long-sleeved shirt so my cuts are covered, but I pull the sleeves even lower so Cragen doesn't see them and ream me too.

"Jenna, I'm letting you go. I going to call Tucker too and let him know about what I saw," Jenna is now crying. Tears slowly stream from her eyes and down her cheeks. It is weird seeing someone that I have known for months. A strong and tough as nails girl, crying now.

"Captain...please," she whispers.

"Thank you for your services Ms. Raymond," And with that, Cragen walks to his office and slams the door. Jenna furiously swipes at her eyes and pulls down her shirt sleeves. She says something I can't understand and runs out of the precinct like a lightning bolt.

"Wow...Jenna Raymond used to cut herself?" Elliot says, shocked. "If someone I knew was cutting...I wouldn't know how to make of them," He then walks down the hall, leaving me alone.

I am now crying myself. How would he react if he found out I was cutting? I feel like cutting right now. Just grabbing my little Exacto knife and one swift movement across my arm would solve everything...


	10. Chapter 10

*********Hi people! Today is my 1 year anniversary of signing up on Fanfic! :D So I thought today would be a good day to update TTWU and Crash. I am also probably going to post a new story that is a Law and Order: CI story. Yay!**

**Also I just wanted to say how much Fanfic has changed my life since I first found out about this site. I was on youtube and there was a person who was known as BensonFan711 who posted a trailer for her story Lioness that was on this site. I checked it out, fell in love with it, and started looking at other people's stories. Author's like:**

SVU Productions

kiwiapple6

SashaRizzoli (known at the time as .Fanx8x) *Her pen name inspired me with mine.

xXBlissfulCursesXx

Raychel

ladybugsmomma

**Soon afterwards, I created Crash and it took a long time to gather up courage to post it here. When I did though, I got 6 reviews two hours after it came on the site. The rest it history...**

**So, story time is over. Now it's time for you all to read TTWU and the rest of Crash. And possibly a new story! **

**E****njoy and REVIEW! Please! If you know someone who might be intrested in this story, or the other stories in this series, please get them to R and R!**

**Here is Chapter 10!**

* * *

><p>Chapter 10:<p>

I can't take it. I can't take it. I can't take it! I want to cut so badly. So, so badly. It aches to know that I have my Exacto knife in my pocket, but I know that I shouldn't cut. I made a promise...but to a fricken teenager! No...no...no...I need to cut, I need to, I need to... I trace my fingers over my wrists. Its just fingers, just fingers...

Breathe.

Why am I so scared...Help me. Help me.

I walk to Cragen's office and ask to leave early. He looks concerned, but lets me leave. I don't talk to anyone as I hurry out of the precinct. Once I'm outside, I run. I run towards home. I have a car, but it's back at the precinct. As I run, tears well up in my eyes. My chest burns as I take each breath. That's different, I run and usually never get tired. God I'm such a mess.

When I get to my apartment building, I ignore everyone as I trudge up to my apartment and slam the door.

I feel sick.

I need to cut, I want to so bad.

Its like craving air to breathe, and I cant take it anymore!

My life is going down in ruins.

I just want it to all end.

I pull out my Exacto Blade and aim it at my wrist...but then I stop. I promised Jenna I'd stop. I did. Just...one...time. One more time. A goodbye cut. I mean, no one's gonna know. I have to fill this void in my head. Tears pour from my eyes, staining my cheeks as the blade slowly slices my flesh. Instead of feeling better, I only feel worse.

I look down at my wrist to see a cut too deep. I grab a dish towel and try to stop the bleeding...It won't stop. I suddenly feel sleepy. I know what that means. I have to get help; before it's too late. I grab my phone and press the number one, speed dial for Jenna.

1 ring

2 rings

3 rings

My eyes are closing. Jenna please answer!

4 rings

5 rings

6 rings

"Hello?"

"Help Me..."


	11. Chapter 11

*********Hi people! Again, sorry for the long wait. Things have been a tad hectic in my household lately. Tomorrow, I'm leaving to go to a summer acting conservatory (not camp!) at Rutgers Mason Gross. (In new jersey for people who don't know what i am talking about) I have to submit myself to 7 days a week, from 8:00 in the morning to 11:00 at night, eating, sleeping and breathing acting. For the whole month of July. **

**I am compleatly done with Crash, so I think that I will be able to post all of this story in one day. For my other story Time To Wake Up (The Nightmare Ends), I had to modify it to make it shorter and add more olivia in it. But I will try to post that story too if i can.**

**Thank you all so much for dealing with me throughout this. You are the best readers/reviewers ever! **

**So anyways, E****njoy and REVIEW! Please! If you know someone who might be intrested in this story, or the other stories in this series, please get them to R and R!**

**Here is Chapter 11! (and have a good summer!)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 11:<p>

I open my eyes to see suroundings that scream: Hospital. My wrists are bandaged, but the sting is still there.

"Welcome back,"

I turn to see Jenna standing at the doorway of my room.

"You're lucky, you know."

"Wha-?" I start to say as my eyes adjust to the setting. "Jenna..."

"Shhh...I thought you were going to stop. You told me, no you PROMISED me you would..." Jenna states in the kindest of mature tones.

"I did! I did Jenna..."

"But you couldn't help yourself,"

I nod. I feel so guilty...Stupid, dumb...

"It happened to me too. I'm upset, but I understand." Jenna says walking closer to me. "Everyone at the precinct knows now. Elliot, John, Finn, and Cragen,"

I grab Jenna by the arm and cry,

"You CAN'T send them in. Please, don't send them in!"

"They're not here yet...but I had to call them,"

"Do they know that I..."

"No. I just told them that you are in the hospital,"

"Please don't tell them..." I beg.

"Well, Olivia. I was hoping you would make the right decision on that one...do what's right," she says.

"Olivia!" I hear Elliot in the hallway, before his face comes barging into the room. I quickly duck my arms under the blanket. Elliot runs over to me.

"Thank God you're alright! What happened?"

"Um, I'm going to leave you two alone," Jenna says as she walks out of the room. I almost don't want her to leave.

"What's going on Liv?" Elliot asks calmly. I open my mouth to tell him something, anything but...I can't. I look at him pleadingly trying to make silence speak for itself.

"Liv, you must tell me. Did something happen..." Elliot says, sitting upon the bed. He pulled out one of my hands from under the blankets. I tried to stop him, but it was too late. A bandage was exposed and because the hospital gown I am wearing has short sleeves, all my scars were exposed too.

Now I have been caught.

"You...cut too?" Elliot gasps. I feel like crying. He now knows everything. He probably thinks I am disgusting.

Weak, useless, dumb...

"Oh Liv...how long has this been going on?"

"A while," I whisper back.

"Olivia, you need help. You can't face this alone,"

"I have been getting help. Dr. McPhee. Things are going okay,"

"Does she know you cut?" he asks.

"No..." I whisper again. A single tear slowly slides down my cheek and drips onto my blanket. Elliot notices and pulls me into a hug. I bury my face into his shoulder and take a whiff of his comforting scent.

"It's going to be okay Olivia. I'll be with you every step of the way,"

"Are you going to tell Cragen?" I ask, pulling away from him.

"Should I?"

"Please don't! I don't want to lose my job!" I am so scared. The way he was with Jenna, I don't him like that with me.

Weak, useless, dumb...

"I won't tell him, but if you start cutting again, I'll tell him," I nod in agreement. Good.

"I better go...let the other guys know that you're okay," Elliot says, as he stands up and leaves the room. Jenna waltzes back in.

"You did the right thing," she says. I ignore it though. Elliot seemed to walk out of the room very quickly. Oh my God! He was embarrassed by me!

Weak, useless, dumb...

Weak, useless, dumb...

"Weak, useless, dumb..."

"What!"

I snap out of it. Oh shit...I said it out loud. Jenna looks shocked and angry at the same time. She grabs my hands and says,

"Olivia Benson! You are not weak, useless, or dumb! You are strong, useful, smart. You are the strongest woman I have ever met. In fact...if I ever were to have a mother...I'd want a mother that is just like...you,"

I smile at that comment.

"If I were to ever have a daughter, I'd like to have one like you,"

Jenna backs away like I had just smacked her.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Weird ending I know, but things are going to get better! Just you wait!**


	12. Chapter 12

*********Hi people! Again, sorry for the long wait. Things have been a tad hectic in my household lately. Tomorrow, I'm leaving to go to a summer acting conservatory (not camp!) at Rutgers Mason Gross. (In new jersey for people who don't know what i am talking about) I have to submit myself to 7 days a week, from 8:00 in the morning to 11:00 at night, eating, sleeping and breathing acting. For the whole month of July. **

**Thank you all so much for dealing with me throughout this. You are the best readers/reviewers ever! And thank you Hayley for helping me out when i needed help. I hope all of you enjoyed this story. **

**So anyways, E****njoy and REVIEW! Please! If you know someone who might be intrested in this story, or the other stories in this series, please get them to R and R!**

**Here is Chapter 11! (and have a good summer!)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 12:<p>

"You really mean that?" Jenna asks, looking down at her feet.

"Of course..." I say akwardly as I extend my hand towards her. Her fingertips except the offer, as she sits on side of the hospital bed. "Why would you ever think I wouldn't want...that anyone wouldn't want you?"

"Because nobody has wanted me before. You saying that was a shock because...nobody has ever said that to be me before," Jenna says, with a shrug.

"Jenna, you are wonderful girl. And smart. And your a great friend," I pull her close with a hug, squeezing her slightly to let her know I mean it. Jenna stiffens at my touch, but relaxes after a minute or so.

"Well...thank you...I guess," Jenna mumbles, pulling away.

"Jenna...I have be thinking about this for awhile now. I know that right now isn't the best time, but in a month or so, would you like to be..." I start, but Jenna's face immediately brightens and says,

"Yes! I-I mean, sorry,"

"Don't be,"

"You would actually...adopt me?" Jenna's eyes well up with emotion. She wrings her hands nervously. I grab her hand and give it a squeeze.

"Absolutely," Jenna lets out a cry and flings herself onto me. I laugh as I hug her back. I was going to have a daughter. My own family. For the first time in a long time, I was happy. Happy to be alive.

***S*V*U***

"Well Olivia. It has been three months since you first came to see me. How has your life been?" Dr. McPhee asks.

Three happy, good months have passed. Ever since the last cut, I have made it quite clear to myself that I wasn't going to cut ever again. It was a wake-up call to me. I wasn't going to let myself cut anymore. I want to be strong. For Elliot. For Jenna.

"Absouletly wonderful," I smile and answer.

When I left the hospital, I continued going to Dr. McPhee. I took a leave of absence from SVU so that I could focus on recovering. I haven't picked up my Exacto blade since.

"You also have a boyfriend now?" Dr. McPhee continues.

"Yes,"

Kathy left Elliot recently and he came to me. We have been dating for awhile now, and it is bliss!

"What else has happened to you in the last few months?"

"I adopted a teenage girl," I smile even bigger.

That teenage girl is, yes, Jenna. I made that promise to her and kept it. It took a bit to get everything legalized, but once that was settled, everything has been wonderful. She is best daughter I can ever ask for. Before, going into my apartment each day was sad and lonely, but walking into my apartment to a smiling girl each day is a gift.

"Do you still have nightmares?"

"Every now and then,"

I will never recover fully from what has happened to me, but for now, everything will be okay.

I was once broken. My life crashing down to bits.

But I am being fixed,

Slowly but surely,

Life will get better.

For now.


End file.
